How to identify red flags in a relationship?

Aastha is an independent women living in Gurgaon, working as a product manager and has decent salary. She has what most women of her age dream of, a good place to stay independently, sound career, partying on weekends. But when she came to me she said “ This is not what I wanted at first place, my idea of life was a romantic partner with whom I can settle down before 30” but now when she is 31 she cant see what she felt was once the most important thing in her life.

Her previous two relationships have taken a toll over her mental peace and she is not in a position to embrace a new relationship with that warmth. In her first relationship which was at her early adulthood this guy was really insecure and in her next relation she knew she ruined it because of her insecure past. So she wanted some time alone for herself which was something she needed most, that was when she visited me and we explored an era of emotions in her.

Coming to the end of 2023 we bid adieu to our sessions and she has recently got engaged. This time more powerful, energetic and thoughtful. Let's hope she has a blissful life.

What are the red flags which she didn’t notice in her previous relationship?

Aastha herself told me their were so many things in her past relationship she saw but didn't paid attention to, why? And what are those things?

Two many compliments

When someone showers you with loads of compliments again and again maybe they want you to know their desires. Aastha told me how he made her feel appreciated and people with low self esteem issues responded quite the way their partner expected them, she started asking about his choices and trying to fit in his life goals.

Gifting frequently When I asked Aastha about how was her early dating life and she was all smiling and crying at the same time telling me how he brought her a vehicle full of flowers and a pretty dress just after a small fight. Noted ( issue resolved through gifting and not constructive talking)

Importance on appearance

When he met Shreya(one of my old client) the second time, he suggested her a dermat because of acne issues she was facing, now you will say he is being so caring? But is it?

Next meet and he said you know you should loose some weight!!! Alarm! Now if she would have noticed on the very first time it would have been very contentious. She was telling me this eight months being married.

Comparing you with their ex

Shreya said how his husband told her that he was always pampered by his ex girlfriend but now she has so many expectations from him. Now maybe the girl in the question is not clear what she wants from her husband, still that is for the two of them to sit and figure out rather than involving some third person.

Making fun of you even when you feel disparaged

It can be a romantic red flag if someone you are dating makes some comments on you even if they say they’re joking. This could be everything from your clothing choices, favorite bands, to making fun of your career choices.Shreya my client is just 26 married, too young for now, her husband was making fun of his friends once home from the party, while he said these people have low IQ because they are not graduate from much reputable universities, to which she felt insulted and he laughed at him saying but you are beautiful.

Now this disaparging is in the form of negging - which is a form of emotional manipulation whereby someone insults you with a backhanded compliment to undermine your self-esteem in an attempt for you to crave for their approval.

They are hot or cold

Some people exhibit their emotions in an extreme way. Shambhavi

had troubled relaionships with her live in boyfriend she says days pass by when they actually talk about something nice and meaningful even if she feels traumatic he goes out with his friends without even asking her about how is she feeling, when asked what’s keeping her from not moving she said when he loves me he doesnt leaves me for a second. He hugs me and we stay like that for long.

So we know what is wrong in this, but when we are guided by emotions, fear of abondonment, insecurities we tend to ignore these things for those little pleasures.

They want you to priortise them

Divya one of my very close friend was in a 5 year long relationship until she broke up. This guy asked him after every party, get togethers, or family meetings that she didn’t prioritse him. How? He wanted her to agree with whatever statements he made, tell people all good stories of him, now she even started doing this but it was not enough one day he he got infuriated because of some joke Divya made he just left the party and went to his room. Trying to change herself for 5 long years but when she gave up it was over.Her emotional investment was taking a toll over her mental health. She told me after her breakup that he is begging her to come back, what should she do? I would leave this for you to give me feedback.

Their idea of love is delusional

Now this is something I have come across in my clients who have not dated earlier or havent talked to many men in their lives. Now our social cultural setup is still in a transition and we meet people through matrimonies or family setups to find our person. These days some girls come to me and say they talked for about 2 months before saying yes. Great! But what is the problem then?

The idea of love they were sharing was delusional and not real, never talked about how she went to office while having periods or how she want to shop something for her mom and wants him to suggest, how it felt when she was new to this city, instead they talk about romance, gifting flowers going on some fancy dinner, which is good but not apt enough to see how your life is going to be with the other person.

Has even one of these early red flags resonated with you?

What about a few?

Even one early red flag can be a sign of something bigger. Make sure you’re not wearing rose-colored glasses when just getting to know someone. Don’t be a paranoid but surely be watchful. Talk to people around you give yourself some time your intuitions will let you guide, if still confused consult a therapist.

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